My top 10 reasons why Twilight vampires are not real vampires

First things first. I used to like Twilight, when I was a sophomore in high school. I've read all the books and seen all the movies. Twilight vampires and real vampires are very, very different (focusing more on the Cullens than the rest of the vampy population).
This is my list of why Twilight vamps suck.
In my humble opinion, of course.

1. They have reflections in a mirror.
What the hell is this? Real vampires don't have a reflection when looking in a mirror. Why? Because real vampires have no souls. Mirrors are a symbol of self reflection, of looking into oneself, into one's soul. But if there is no soul, then there is nothing to look at. No self to reflect from a mirror.
My conclusion: Twilight vamps must have souls. And thus are not real vampires.

2. They try to be good people by being "vegetarians".
'Vegetarians', as in only feeding from animals.
No. No no no! Real vampires don't give a shit about being people-friendly. They drink who they want when they want. Period.

3. They pledge not to harm humans.
Hand over your vamp card. Now. The whole point of vampires is to be bad asses who massacre. MASSACRE. As in mangled bodies and blood and brutality. Not being weenies who want to "fit it" with everyone else. This just makes me think they are all really 13 year old girls.

4. They sparkle.
The only people I know who sparkle are Lady Gaga and drag queens (arguably one in the same). Vampires do not sparkle as if they have been attacked by an angry mob of kindergarteners who were just having arts and crafts time in the sun. Real vampires burn in the sun. Why? BECAUSE THEY ARE EVIL SOULLESS BEINGS.
Edit: Dillon corrected me; "I have an addition. It's Lady Gaga, drag queens, and David Bowie who sparkle. And even then, David Bowie is the only man allowed to sparkle."

5. They don't have fangs.
No. Fangs. How are these things even called vampires?! Twilight "vamps" don't have fangs, they have razor sharp teeth coated in venom. WTF. The venom, if left to spread, changes the victim into a vampire. Which only happens if it is an older, experienced vamp doing the biting, because once they start feeding its nearly impossible to stop.
Well, at least they have one vamp-like attribute. Kind of.

6. Their favorite sport is baseball.
What kind of blood sucking creature freaking plays baseball?! Real vamps are too busy DRINKING HUMAN BLOOD to play baseball. I don't know why, but the fact that they frolic through fields playing baseball really bugs me.

7. They go to high school/have jobs.
If you had forever to life, would you waste your immortality going back to HIGH SCHOOL? I know I wouldn't. I'd be too busy fucking shit up. Because I'd be a BAMF.

8. They are nearly indestructible.
The only way to kill a Twilight vamp is to rip them apart and burn the pieces. Which isn't an easy feat, since their skin is like marble. Only werewolves and other vampires have the strength to rip them apart like that.
What happened to the good ol' stake to the heart?

9. They don't sleep. Ever.
Real vampires sleep during the day in coffins. They don't stay up all night playing the piano or painting their nails.

10. Nothing deters them. 
Garlic, Holy water, crosses, hawthorn, and mountain ash will do nothing to Twilight vamps. Nothing wards them off.
But I wouldn't be too worried. The worst thing that would happen to you is Alice takes you on a 12 hour shopping spree.